


i really hate group dates

by tonystxnks



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Bachelor, Crack, F/F, M/M, kinda serious crack?, not too serious tho don't worry, tags will continue as this show progresses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-08 03:21:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14685381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonystxnks/pseuds/tonystxnks
Summary: yes this is another bachelor alt universe i'm not sorry.





	1. chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Right Reasons](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14603922) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account). 



> I finally had the balls to write this out! It has been in my head ever since I saw ironmess and cptxrogers on tumblr posting ideas about this and I had to get it out. I will try to update regularly but no promises, my job is a ton of hours. however, I do promise to you all that I will finish! I really enjoy writing this :) I don't write often however, so please try to be somewhat easy on me.

"Andddd ACTION!"

  
  
\----- 

  
  


_James Rhodes, 48, College Sweetheart_

“Do I love Tony? Of course, I do. Am I in this for the romance part? Hell no. Tony and I are strictly platonic friends. Well, unless you count that one drunk night at MIT…never mind forget I said anything about that. The point of me being here is to whoop up on some Rogers ass ‘cause let me tell you – if that Captain thinks he is going to mosey his way back to Tony’s heart, let me tell you I will bust a literal cap in his star spangled .

  
  


\----- 

  
  


_Steve Rogers, 99 (biologically 33), Tony’s Ex_

“Um, hi. Yes, my name is Steve Rogers and erm, I am here to win Tony’s heart back.”

  
  


Camerawomen: _"That’s it?"_

  
  


The blond looked up, straight at the camera, his blue eyes full of concern, regret, and a hint of defiance, “Am I supposed to say more? Look, clearly me and Tony have a history, that is obvious. But I don’t want that to be the front and center topic of fascination. I am here to win Tony’s heart, plain and simple.”

  
  
\----- 

  
  


  
  


_Peter Quill, 37, “Mister Lord”_

“Starlord here, reporting for some [censored]-kicking fun. Also gonna try to win over this guy’s heart. That’s the name of the game right? Even though I consider myself more of a long term booty call type guy. This could still work. Are we on Terra? I wasn’t sure since you guys literally faked a distress signal to get me down here.”  


  
  


\----- 

  
  


_Stephen Strange, 38, Rich Wizard_

“I mean, look at the facts. I am the clear choice of this silly competition. Whether Tony see’s that early enough on, well: only time will tell.”

  
  


\----- 

  
  


_Bruce Banner, 48, Strongest Avenger_

“Oh, are we rolling? Erm – yeah I came on the show after being asked – to be honest I don’t really keep up with reality T.V., or any T.V. for that matter. But when they told me Tony was going to be the Bachelor this year, how could I turn it down? He’s my best pal, after all.”  


Behind the cameras: “Only your _best pal_?  


“Is that not…okay?”

  
  


\-----

  
  


_T’Challa, 34, King of Wakanda_  


“Look around you, all I see are young, idealistic, but gullible people. Vying for one man’s heart. Well, I am here to tell you now that I will be his champion and take home the victory. Not only for myself, but for Wakanda. They deserve someone as noble as Anthony Stark as a second King.”

  
  
\----- 

  
  


_James “Bucky” Barnes, 100 (biologically 34), Killed Tony’s Parents_

_“So, can you tell us exactly why you are here?”_  


“You guys asked me to come here…plus I gotta be here for Steve. He needs a pal around to keep his head on straight so he doesn’t blow up too hard on any of these other guys. He loves him, ya know? I can’t let him [censored] it up again.”

  
  


\-----

  
  


_Sam Wilson, 38, “Falcon”_  


“Eh, whatever man. I haven’t even ever seen this show. I can’t believe people still come on T.V. to try and find true love. Do I think Stark is my one and only? No. Absolutely not. Would I be opposed to trying to get some? Absolutely not. Depending on who the _some_ entails of course…”

  
  


\---- 

  
  


_Loki, 1053, Rightful King of Jotunheim_  


“I appreciated Stark’s intellect in my little run in on Midgard a few years back, and he was one of the few that kept up with my wit and banter, I like that in a mate.” Loki sharped two knives together that seemed to magically appear out of nowhere, frightening a few of the cameramen.

  
  


\----- 

  
  


_Rocket, 24, "Raccoon"_

"Listen, I'm only here because Drax dragged me here, wanting to see the sights and sounds of the West Coast, I think him and Groot have been watching too much of that 90210 show. [censored] Quill getting them into those [censored] reality TV things. Anyways, I wouldn't complain coming out of this little experiment a little better off than my last one eh?" Gesturing to himself. "Anyways, I'd love to talk that metal - armed guy into letting me borrow it for a while..." 

\----- 

  
  


_Drax, 49 , “The Destroyer”_  


Instead of answering questions about himself, Drax saw to it to examine the camera’s as close as possible, making sure his left nostril was in complete view for the viewers at home.

  
  


\---- 

  
  


_Thor, 1054, Pirate Angel Baby_  


“Well, after Jane dumped me I have had this hole in my heart where she once resided you see. And I feel that Anthony could fill that spot back for me. I feel Anthony could refill that hole in my soul and mend my heart back. I always found him to be quite clever that Anthony.”

  
  


\---- 

  
  


"Well, there you have it! Our contestants for this season of The Bachelor!" A strawberry blonde smiled to cameras, as they panned out away from her and to the scenic mountains and the mansion that will occupy all 12 of said contestants, including the new Bachelor himself, Tony Stark in the next coming weeks.

"Tune in next week to watch the first meet and greets with America's new Bachelor! I promise you, you will _not_ want to miss it." 

  
  


\---

  
  
The light flashed from green to red, showing the live recording was over, and Pepper Potts sighed in relief as she leaned down to pull off her 6 1/2 inch heels off her swollen feet. 

"God, why did I ever agree to this shit show again?" 

Another woman, a red head, appeared seemingly out of nowhere from behind, a hand barely touched her side in comfort. "I told you it will all work out for the best. Trust me." 

Pepper only huffed at the other woman, who seemed to feel comfortable enough touching her, even when cameras were in eye-shot. 

"I know Nat. But still...I don't -- we don't need this out in the open. His personal life has already been in the media enough and --" 

_"Trust me."_ Pepper sighed, her fist holding her Louis Vuitton's tightening for a moment before she realized it was a moot point and smiled mutely. "Of course I trust you." She replied truthfully. She leaned in some, pecking the red heads cheek, before spinning around and pointing at the sneaky camera man who had casually brought his equipment up, taping the action. 

He muttered a vague apology of sorts before haphazardly discarding the extra footage of the women as they continued their way back to the mansion. 

Natasha only smirked at the flustered blonde. "This season, will be the best season this show has ever seen." 

"I sure hope you know what you're talking about. 'Cause if your wrong you owe me free chicken wings, remember?" 

"Whatever you say, Potts."


	2. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> on this week's bachelor:
> 
>  
> 
> the boys get introduced to one another, alcohol's a flowing, scheme's are a'brewing, and tony takes a dip.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one scene specifically is because of @mrsgingles post on Tumblr. if you don't know who or what i'm talking please look them up, their art is fab.

The introductory meetings were, well interesting isn’t quite the word Tony would have used. 

As soon as he walked in the main room to greet the men and give his introductory speech: Drax and Rocket were already hatching a plan to steal half of the mansion’s gold interior, as Draw has no semblance of mystery, the whole group was well aware of their plan, while Thor had already pulled out his Asgardian mead and kept offering some to a not surprisingly stiff Steve Rogers. Bucky and Sam were talking among themselves in a corner, side-eyeing the rest of the contestants. 

As soon as Tony made his welcome speech to the group, explaining how the night was going to go down and the first impression rose, they had quieted down quite a bit, and already had a few takers for who was going to ask him to talk privately first. 

Our of his peripheral vision, Tony saw Steve start to make his way over, and instinctively grabbed the first arm he could, which turned out to be slightly more hairy than he was hoping for. 

Let's just say him and Rocket had a short lived conversation outside, before the Raccoon hybrid became more interested in Tony's Armani watch then the conversation. 

_When asked about his opinions on the candidates that were for him this season_

"Look, I had no idea this was what was going down. ABC sure has some nerve, that's for sure. But, hey I gotta give them props, they'll obviously do anything to keep the ratings high, and hey, at least the eye-candy is almost worth it for me anyways." 

_Even the raccoon?_

Tony had no comment on that one. 

\----- 

Everyone seemed to have already had pre-formed opinions of everyone in the house prior to the show, which made things even more interesting. Bruce and Thor had a friendly banter going, from their time spent on – where were they again? Tony couldn’t remember, he knew Bruce told him at one point, but he will have to ask him about it again later on. 

Then you had Strange, who seemed to despise Rogers, to Tony’s complete delight. If the random acts of magic "accidents" had any connection. 

Any occasion he found himself in his company, Strange always used his magic to mess with him in some little way. Rhodey joins in after a few times and helps in anyway he can. Tony never brings it up and pretends to not know, even when Steve finds himself soaking wet sitting beside the pool, when he was clearly trying to enjoy his drink and glance at Tony like a sad puppy (as he had been doing 98% of the time here already). 

“Oh, my bad Bruce, didn’t mean to get you wet there.” Rhodey smirked at the Captain who just sighed, ringing out his shirt by the pool after he made a quick dip in the pool that happened to be close to where they was sitting. Poor Bruce just wiped the water drops from his glasses. 

“It’s okay Rhodey…” Bruce replied, as most of the water seemed to hit Thor’s massive form anyway, shielding Bruce from the wave. 

Strange only lowered his hands as the orange light disappeared from his fingertips, going back in his previous criss cross yoga pose, feigning innocence. 

Tony pressed his lips together to hide his amusement at the situation, when someone else decided to perform a cannonball in the deep end of the pool, right where he was standing. 

There was something about that Quill that Tony couldn’t put his finger on. Maybe it was his rugged outward appearance, or maybe it was the fact that he was one of the few that could keep up with his wit, besides Strange. 

He did always have a thing for blondes, after all. 

But in that moment, not so much. As the perpetrator of said cannonball was indeed Quill himself, and that particular wave of water hit Tony straight on, ruining his mostly empty drink in his hand. He had made it through the night with not too much trouble, but now it seems his luck has run out. 

Or has it? 

“Come on Stark! Jump in, the water is just _fine_. Almost as fine as the people out of the pool.” Quill piped up with a wink from the edge of the pool, smirking up at Tony from where he stood near the edge. 

Mid eyeroll, Tony felt a stream of water hit his feet, and glared in the pool once again at Star Lord once he realized it was him spouting the water at him. 

_Wow abs_ was all Tony’s mind could come up with when he took a second glance down at the soaking wet man. He chanced a glance over towards the beach chairs. There sat Stephen Strange, looking as if he was in the middle of one of his mediation spells, Thor: who looked like he had already drunk more than his fair share of Asgardian mead, if him fawning over Bruce was any consolation. 

Another interesting nugget Tony stored in the back of his head. He was going to have to discuss that later with Banner. 

But on Thor’s other side you had Steve sitting there, his blue eyes only on Tony _like always_ , of course. His drink long forgotten in his hand. 

_Huh. This could be interesting._

Tony’s irrational side came out in full form when he made the split-second decision to place his glass on the nearby table before toeing off his shoes and nosediving right into the pool right beside Quill, who let out a hoot of delight. 

He reached under the water and pulled the wet clothes garments off of him, throwing it to the side of the pool as Quill casually paddled over his way. 

It was then Tony realized he left his glasses on when he performed his little dive. 

“Looking for these?” 

Quill brought his hand up with Tony’s $550 glasses, and Tony took them, and sat them on top of his wet clothes pile to the side. 

He noticed then how close Peter had gotten in that instance, and saw Quill lift an eyebrow in a silent challenge. 

Knowing full well that Rogers was still watching from his peripheral vision, he grabbed Peter’s face with both hands, dragging him even closer to him and touching his lips to his. Quill immediately grabbed the other man’s waist, pulling him closer under the water, but Tony pushed back on his chest, and wadded back to the side of the pool, grabbing the rose. As soon as his hand touched the flower, half of the other men’s eyes darted immediately to him. 

Tony then paddled back to the other man, holding out the rose. “So, I gotta give this to someone; might as well give it to the first one who had the balls to kiss first.” 

“Hell yeah!” 

Instead of grabbing the first impression rose, Quill reached forward and pressed another wet kiss to Tony’s lips. Smiling into it, Tony ran his hands through the wet strands of hair on the side of Quill’s head, slipping his way into the other man’s mouth, deepening the kiss. 

In the background, you could hear a few snickers, shuffling, and footsteps stomping away, towards the inside of the mansion. 

Strange, who was still hovering by the side of the pool and had been watching Steve throw his glass down in the sink inside, and back to the two men in the pool, before he hummed thoughtfully and smirked. 

“Let the games begin, is all I have to say.” Strange replied to the cameraman nonchalantly, sipping his drink in the interview chair hours later, his expression giving nothing away. 

\----- 

Once Pepper had to pull Tony out of the pool, away from Quill’s mouth and into dry clothes, he got everyone together again in the room to get ready for the first rose ceremony. 

Quill, who already had his rose for the night, stood at the other end from the rest of the group, the remains of his rose in his hand as he was jamming with his headphones in his ears, no care in the world. 

A stark contrast to Steve, who’s empty hands were uncontrollably shaking. 

“T’Challa.” 

The king of Wakanda smiled and made his way down to pick up the rose, kissing Tony’s hand as he took it from him. 

Tony only cleared his throat, licking his dry lips as the king retreated back to stand by Quill, who was still currently jamming to some Bowie. 

The night when along without much of an issue, after T’Challa there was Strange – to no one’s surprise – then Thor, Rhodey, Bruce, and Sam. Bucky punched Steve in the side after he could hear his teeth grind louder as each contestant was named. 

When it became between Rocket, Steve, Drax, Bucky and Loki; Tony hesitated. He stared at the remaining rose in his hands, “Ste-Rogers.” He cleared his throat again, looking up at the blond who seemed to finally remembered how to walk as he stumbled down the stairs, his blue eyes wide with disbelief. 

Without saying anything, Tony handed over the rose to the taller man, not even looking him in the eye. 

With only 2 roses left, Tony chose Rocket only for the comedic value. Plus he stole his watch from him when he took his little jump in the pool earlier so he was going to be needing that back. 

\----- 

"Hey, you gotta keep the ratings up somehow, am I right?” Tony replied to the camerawoman as he was asked about it with a wink. 

_Why did you chose to keep Rogers though? After your history…_

Tony stood up without replying, walking out of the camera’s range. 

\----- 

Grabbing the remaining rose, Tony held his breath, looking at the last two, knowing exactly who he was choosing, and why. 

“Barnes.” 

A few gasps went through the room, while Bucky himself looked a tad bit shocked as he made his way to pick up his rose. 

Tony, on the other hand, was clearly watching Steve’s expressions as they changed from shocked, to relieved in an instant, to his dismay. 

“Well, I see clearly now _some_ people’s reasons for being here.” Tony stated plainly, as Pepper made her way in the room, letting the other two men know it was time to go. 

One of the cameramen from the back didn’t miss Sam’s look of pure relief as Bucky took the remaining rose, however. 

\-----

_Loki, 1053, Rightful King of Jotunheim_

“Do I agree with the decision? Of course not. Alas, I am far more deserving of happiness than that Stark ever will be. Pity he survived me throwing him out of his tall building he called home many years back. Ah well, not many can handle Loki Laufey-- _Odinson_. Perhaps I will take my brother’s advice and travel back to the good planet of Sikaar, I’m sure the Grandmaster has been missing me.” The long haired man winked into the camera before vanishing in thin air. 

_Cameraman: Um...should we call someone about that---no? Okay..._

\----- 

_Drax, 49 , “The Destroyer”_

“Am I sad for not successfully winning and taking over the short man’s heart? No. I would never want to take his heart from him like that. It seems much too cruel for a man that has never wronged me. I will be going now, I am done talking to this strange instrument of torture that has been following me around like some sort of demon angel.” Drax narrowed his eyes at the camera, as the man behind the camera backed up several paces, as Drax backed away slowly and made his way out the driveway and back to the Milano, where Groot was waiting for him. “I am Groot!” 

“So, what did you think about this week's episode?” Nat asked the strawberry blond, who sighed dramatically, running her hand over her face as Nat continued to massage her shoulders. Since the redhead was close to Tony Stark, and even closer to the show's Producer and his CEO, Pepper Potts, she could watch the show right after the taping and before it aired, practically in live time. 

“It has been a lot of stress already, and it has already begun.” Pepper sighed, "You might wanna get used to giving those back rubs. I knew Tony was a diva, but this is nuts." 

"I'm already placing bets on who wins." Clint Barton chimed in between stuffing his face with the last bit of popcorn left in the tub. 

"Who even invited you over here Clint?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i wanted this to be v crack – y. which it is, but also kinda serious? Idk what i’ve gotten myself into tbh
> 
>  
> 
> let me know what you think! it is unbeta-ed so i apologize
> 
>  
> 
> next week on the bachelor: more fun times by the pool, and a strip club

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what y'all think!!
> 
>  
> 
> i’m governorofthemoon on tumblr.
> 
>  
> 
> still haven’t figured out how to add links in these boxes...


End file.
